Note: This is fiction, for April Fool’s Day. The events depicted are not real. The names of individuals have not been changed. What is written here is not what anyone actually said or did. Tap/Click for more April Fool’s Day humor.
In connection with their long range plans toward spending and losing money as quickly as possible, spokespeople for Cal Poly Humboldt announced last week that the Humboldt Crabs baseball team has been purchased by the Cal Poly Humboldt Foundation, the real estate and investment holding non-profit corporate arm of CPH. Price details are unknown.
Rumors for the rationale of the purchase run rampant. Discussion changed after a leaked memo gave clues about the fate of the Crabs.
“I couldn’t care less about the Crabs,” this high-level university official was reputed to have written. “It’s only a bargaining chip in our negotiations with the City of Arcata about us buying the ballpark.”
With the baseball team gone, the City has little reason to hang on to the facilities. The value to the community becomes a small factor when weighed against Arcata’s overwhelming debt and unfunded-pension problem.
Public opinion is mixed. The predominate belief is that Cal Poly will soon flame out and die, and then the beloved Crabs will return to their former glory and want to be here in Arcata, in the Arcata Ballpark.
Other citizens are happy, although for selfish reasons. For forty years the world famous Crab Grass Band has been booked solid at Crabs games during the Summer months. Local event planners who wanted the Crab Grass Band for weddings, receptions, divorce parties, and PowerBall celebrations were left out in the cold. With the demise of the Humboldt Crabs, the exquisite Crab Grass Band will once again be available for intimate gatherings at private soirées.
The leaked memo also indicated the final use of the Crabs’ former ballpark: As an outlet mall for Cal Poly Humboldt University sweatshirts, hoodies, and graduation caps and gowns. “We lost only $250,000 at the downtown Arcata store last year,” the memo pointed out. “The managers there are a bunch of amateurs. At an outlet mall, we could be losing five mil, ten mil a year easy.”
[Editor’s note: In reality, the Cal Poly Humboldt’s off-campus store on the corner of the Arcata Plaza lost approximately $256,000 over a 15-month period. For more of the story, see the Lumberjack article by Brad Butterfield, link here.]
As an outlet mall located on a major U.S. Interstate, in a city well-known as a tourist destination, a Cal Poly Humboldt outlet mall could also take on overstock merchandise from other notable universities. Renown diploma mills could also sell a variety of degrees, including the Ph.D. offerings that are otherwise unavailable in Humboldt County, all at a 20%-40% off of retail price.
It might be expected that a Cal Poly Humboldt outlet mall that carried such everyday items as mugs, bongs, hempwick, and branded doggie poop bags (in Lumberjack colors) might create opportunities for local small manufacturers. Unfortunately, Cal Poly Humboldt has an exclusive sourcing arrangement with the nation of Sri Lanka.
Reports further indicate that architects’ designs for a Cal Poly Humboldt outlet mall have included flexibility in the interior partition arrangement. If the building were not to operate as an outlet mall, portions of the building could be converted to classrooms and lecture halls for purposes of higher education, an unusual purpose that would be certain to receive much negative comment. If the outlet mall were to fail to lose money in sufficient quantities, as originally intended, operations might have to cease entirely. In that case the building could be converted to supply housing for needy students and working persons. This is a potential use that Cal Poly planners hope can be avoided at all costs.