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Ants’ rights proponents upset; PlanCom considers outlawing sunshine

By Weddy Flies
April 1, 2023

Last Tuesday’s PlanCom meeting brought direction that impacts all future-oriented Arcatans, whether they are animal, mineral, or vegetable. In a 6 to 1 vote (with Commissioner Kermit Junn dissenting as usual), the PlanCom strengthened their determination to prohibit occupancy of ants from the Gateway Area.

“This was always the intention from the start of this process, hundreds of millions of years ago,” remarked Elated Boya, Arcata’s Community Development Director. “Possibly you missed those early meetings. For Arcata to have a micro-micro-grid of bicycle lanes, ants would only get in the way.”

The vote following faced-paced and spirited discussions of the matter over the past 129 Planning Commission meetings. Noted activist Ann Teeter expressed her dismay. “Prohibiting ants is like eliminating your favorite restaurant,” she explained. “Or limiting the number of cannabis dispensaries, or outlawing on-street parking. Just because you put this in your code, that doesn’t change reality. The ants will just migrate to another neighborhood, where housing is still accessible.”

It was just a month ago that Ann Teeter brought over 60,000 Arcata ant residents to a City Council meeting. Rather than each being granted three minutes for their comments, Mayor Enta Mology instead allotted each ant just three milliseconds. “The Council has ignored the voices of the ants,” came the follow-up protests. “The Council’s response indicates that you heard nothing.” Counter-protester shouts that ants can’t talk and don’t even have a voice all fell on deaf ears. Arcata Police Chief O’HearinNow released a thousand deputized praying mantises to coerce or consume the renegade ants, and in a few minutes ant-order was restored.

In a non-related agenda item, the Planning Commission removed solar shading from being a factor in Gateway considerations. Commissioner Pierre Absurd explained: “We debated whether to outlaw shadows or outlaw sunshine. After robust consideration, it was determined that solar shading is a transitory phenomenon that affects very few people. To provide appropriate mitigation, the Gateway Code has been amended to read: “Cable TV providers shall be more or less encouraged to include channels for both sunshine and shadows, so that Gateway residents will find happiness with their choice.”