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HomeHumor & MusicApril Fools' DayGateway building to offer 7-story climbing wall as Community Benefit

Gateway building to offer 7-story climbing wall as Community Benefit

Note:  This is fiction, for April Fool’s Day. The events depicted are not real. The names of individuals have not been changed. What is written here is not what anyone actually said or did. Tap/Click for more April Fool’s Day humor.


 

As part of an effort to supply Community Benefits while at the same time create new revenue streams to help keep rising rents in check, the latest 7-story building approved by the Planning Commission includes a full-height climbing wall.

Intended for use by both the building’s residents and members of the community, the climbing wall offers a variety of ranges of skill required, from “Newbie” to “Maniac.” The recent closure of rock-climbing facilities at Yosemite National Park is expected to magnify the marketplace for privately-owned, publicly accessible open space climbing walls.

The Planning Commission was quite pleased at the innovative interpretation of the Gateway Code’s Community Benefits program. Normally, a building of this size would be required to provide almost a quarter of an acre of high-quality privately-owned, publicly-accessible outdoor open space. But rather than have something as mundane in Arcata as a “parklet” with outdoor seating, trees, grass, places to congregate and talk, a place to meet up with friends, and so forth, this climbing wall will satisfy the requirements of all citizens of Arcata to be outdoors in a healthy, engaging environment.

The developer has thoughtfully included secure bicycle storage at the base of the 82-foot tall climbing wall, two electric car charging stations, free USB charging that includes a download of your data, and a helicopter landing platform on the roof deck for quick Medevac service to both Redding and San Francisco. Lottery-type chance tickets for Medevac costs will be sold on a daily basis. If you guess seven two-digit numbers correctly, your Medevac charges will be taken care of.

As a further income stream for the developer, a latte-serving coffee shop will be located on the fifth floor, for those agile souls who can climb to that height. The shop will feature window counter service and available lanyard reusable coffee cups, and will also offer a limited range of tasty mini-sandwiches. An adjoining commercial space may be occupied by a marijuana dispensary, also with window counter service. Gummies strung on special break-away thread will be sold in both necklace and bracelet sizes. The avid wall climber need not miss any of life’s pleasures, even for a minute or two.

The income collected by the developer from these combined income streams will not, as we’re told, actually keep the apartment rents at a reasonable level. The income will, however, help to keep future increases in rent at a percentage level less than they would otherwise be. 

In Arcata’s future, having a rent increase be a percentage point or two less than it would otherwise be is considered be a very fortunate consideration, and Arcata renters are advised to be happy for their blessings.

The new seven-story apartment building and the included full-height climbing wall are expected to be available for rent and use by the third quarter, 2025. Rental Applications and Release of Liability forms can be found on-line at the developer’s website, IGotYourRentBabe.com.