[This is April Fools humor, okay?    Click here for more April Fools humor.]

by Minnie Malbranes
April 1, 2023

The long-awaited “I Drank the Fateway Kool-Aid” lottery is now open, and last week Murphy’s Market and the Arcata Co-op joined Wildberries in the promotion. According to the City press release, prizes include thousands of environmentally sustainable housing units that are affordable to people in all income ranges with both rental and owner‐occupied options.

Full terms are outlined in the most recent draft Dateway Plan — except for any rules that are counter to the original rules. Any rules that do not “comport” with the original rules will be published separately, after the contest has closed.

Entry forms on the City’s “SLURP” webpage clearly indicate that all Lottery participants must show proof of actually drinking the Kool-Aid. This can be a photo of the bike rack on their SUV while driving to the Farmers’ Market, a sound-bite on how six-story buildings of studio apartments will solve Arcata’s housing problems, an “I don’t need a car” statement made some time over the past ten years, or any indication of an inability to perform long division on the numbers 500 or 3500, or any other number of apartments that Arcata may decide in the future as being the quantity of new apartments for the Fateway Plan.

Winners and losers will be announced:

• After the first speeding ticket is issued on the new L Street southbound truck route;
• After Wing Inflatables announces its 50th employee lay-off;
• When a favorable Barrel District engineering soils testing report has been completed, giving the OK for a economically-feasible foundation there;
• As soon as the construction of enough apartments results in lowered rents –due to the laws of supply and demand.

Special new essay contest

For those Arcata residents who apparently have been drinking the Kool-Aid and  believe that new Gateway housing will lower the amount of rent for apartments in Arcata, there may also be an essay contest on the theme of “Why I deserve to not pay market-rate rent.”

This contest is currently under investigation by the State Attorney General’s office. Reminding contestants of how extremely high their current rent payments are is considered to be a form of cruel and usual punishment.